Sunday, September 28, 2008

And then there was that

Has anyone noticed the amount of depressed people around lately? Is it because we've all come out of the closet so to speak or is that there's just a lot more of us? I don't know, before drug companies realised that there was money to be made off of the disease, it was swept under the carpet so that many people just lived with it, or not. It wasn't something you discussed and it surely wasn't anything to admitted to having!

This blog is not about that. There are many blogs out there written by people who have mild to severe depression, if you want to understand what it might be like, go read. After days of wallowing in negative feelings and situations I thought I'd better pause and take stock. Because you see, the elephant in the room was just not going away. There were so many things pissing me off that I wasn't able to find pleasure in the simplest things. A random comment from a consultant brought me to a screeching halt. It's not so important for you to know what it was, let's just say it got me to thinking about a number of choices I was going to have to make, sooner than later.

And then I read a blog from Angry African, it so mirrored the way I was feeling that it was as though he'd read my mind. He was taking a step back from his blog, for similar reasons though he might not have realised. It's become very real to me that I don't want to comment on the stupidity of politicians, either here or abroad. I don't want to have to constantly harp about all the stupid or just plain wrong things. I don't want to be anybody's social conscience. But that's what I've been doing lately.

And I ask myself why. If this stuff bothers other people, and it does judging from the responses that come in, why in heck aren't things different. And I am left with the conclusion, maybe this is the way it's supposed to be. For whatever reason, this is really it. I don't know other people's motivation for doing things, but my blog is not about changing the world. It's my caffeine persona talking about the things that I find worrying or bothersome, getting it out of MY system so that I don't end up poisoned. But maybe, by putting all that negativity out there, it's coming back.

If you face life always being negative, that's what you get back. It made me realise that on too many days. I'm standing too close, feeling too much and not giving myself enough room to breathe. If I'm doing that what about you? Truthfully, I'd love to be sitting on a beach somewhere, toes dug deep into the sand, coffee in hand watching the waves. The ebb and flow of water, currents swirling. It would be nice if AA were drinking coffee with me, because he understands the power of coffee and waves. Because he will not speak, but enjoy the moment and then go home to his family, maybe better for it. People like us just feel too much.

The movement of waves, an action that began almost when the earth did. Something bigger than me, that I cannot control. It is hypnotic to watch, it frees your mind and your conscious from the fetters of living. The smell of salt, clean air, the sun on your face, you feel alive without having to labour. When on vacation in Mustique I swim, every day. In the ocean, usually in deeper water. The sea is calm enough for you to do that, even on Macaroni with its bigger waves. You can still swim, revel in being buoyant, let go knowing that really, you have no control but take the chance anyway. It is freedom, at least for me.

That's what's missing, balance. Oh sometimes, for a few moments it comes; sitting up in the cocoa at Myth's house. The new leaves on the cocoa trees, shiny, mysterious, the pods struck at crazy angles as though someone had flung a handful at the tree and this is where they stuck. The girls lolling at our feet, tongues hanging out, all Rottie slobber and love. Standing in an art gallery looking at paintings, not because I'm going to buy any, just because. Talking about art, for art's sake. Feeling at home again. Trying to ignore the intrusion of the phone that will bring me back too close again. I need to breathe, let me breathe!

That's what comes from giving people and situations too much power. You feel that you can never escape, that it is always hopeless, that life plain sucks. So it does, but not all the time. But if you let it take over then you become a part of it. So yes, the church electric fence is an awful indictment, yes we have no water four times a week, yes public transport sucks and we're surrounded by things that are not good or right. But we choose to live this way.

So AA, like you I'm stepping back. Oh, I'm still going to comment on life from my caffeine hyped point of view. But I'm not going to let it take over me. I choose to be.


HPD said...

Yes... That's it. What drives us to live also drives us to cry. We joke to see people smile. We do crazy things to make people laugh. But the thing is it is hidden. The reason why we write. Because inside it hurts. It hurts because we care. I fucking hate it sometimes. Sorry for the language. Oh man. I don't know. Wish I could rather just say it face to face. You know. That it is who I am but not who I always want to be. Yeah. Just want to sit and sip coffee for a while. Sorry. A bit of a ramble. But you know what I am saying. Too much alike.


Coffeewallah said...

AA, never mind the language, this is exactly how it is, too much inside, too much to get out. Some days, just too much, and it hurts. I don't always want to write, but I have to, or it grows and grows. Hard to say all of this to you, wish it could be over coffee, at least we could laugh.